I’ve pretty much finished the game. The Game that I started playing 4 years ago once I aspired to study in the US. The Game that everyone else would probably laugh at because college was so affordable or networking was simple to them. The Game where I had to learn as I went along, act and smile when I didn’t feel like it, and yet importantly show my true personality when it mattered most.
I’ve won- or rather God has won- it was all him if you ask me. You watch Survivor and you understand what a game move is. It’s a strategic move – having both short run and long run consequences. You learn how to work with people , how to understand their needs. Those you respect, you be honest and sincere with, you partner with them and bring them along for the ride. Those you don’t but need- you see their point of view and you try to accommodate them as much as possible in return for a bargain. You see – it’s called interpersonal skills to some, but to me it’s simply communication on the basic level.
Anyway, if you want to know more about that whole experience I’ll share in private if I feel like it. Like Depp puts it – if you don’t loathe yourself at one point in your life you’re not worth talking to – cos you haven’t confronted yourself and your inner demons. I have, or at least still am, and am glad to say the early part of the Game where I made some dirty moves are finally behind me. I’m more proud of the later part of the Game, since late J1 onwards. Those were clean, strategic and honest moves that really made the difference in my life.
Moving on, having won the Game , I’ve had much more time to read and contemplate my goals- since I pretty much need new ones now. Thinking about relationships (which I probably can never experience till after NS since most girls I know are flying off this year and who’s gonna date a boy just gone to NS) , and my hobbies I realise I’m severely undateable. I don’t think it’s low self esteem – I think it’s brutal honesty. Here’s 3 reasons why.
1) I love writing and reading. Nobody likes someone who loves books. His imagination is too vivid, and he spends more time describing how beautiful the night sky is rather than snogging with you till the sun comes up. Sure I’ll hold your hand, and describe how the moment is perfect, but who likes that right? I would probably share books with you, toss ideas at you, wake you up in the middle of the night with a fantastic plan to topple the Illuminati – and that can get too intense for people. I set standards high, I live dreams – I make them happen sometimes- but you’d probably settle for normal instead.
2) I’m a sucker for the outdoors. The moist morning air excites me. If we were together, I’d probably bring you along canoeing down some rivers and climbing up mountains when we’re free. It’d be an amazing time for me to show you I support you and for us to spend some quality time without any distractions. Just you, me and the nature that God has blessed us with. But then again, it’s too much of a hassle for some. The city is enough for most though – right?
3) I’m a hapless romantic. I may not seem like it- but you know I’m passionate about all I do. I’d probably prepare the greatest adventure just to show you I care – tickle you senseless with jokes just to see you smile- collect all your favourite songs and throw a flash mob on them just to get you your fairy tale. That’s too overwhelming for a lot – its not me, it’s just you. I never asked for anything in return, just happiness and a hug. But instead you’d rather settle for someone who SMSes every weekend and bores you to death with movies . I get it- passion doesn’t work . Reason No. 3
Okay, yes you get what I’m trying to say.
But it’s true – you’d think it makes sense But it doesn’t.
This is not a plea to be dated – mind you. It’s a parody. A stark depiction of how I view my experience.
Relationships are complicated stories. I still have couples who , without their partners knowledge, ask me for advice- sometimes even both separately. I still observe relationships bound for destruction, and also adorable acts of love and sacrifice. It’s an important part of our life – who we love – who we decide to invest our efforts in.
Am I the perfect man? Far from it. But I try to be myself as much as possible.
I can’t believe I still blog about such things – but what the heart feels I write. I bleed words; words that trickle down a page and realise truths and fantasies. My mind is a book, locked at arenas and open to all at colosseums.
I’m bound for a different kind of life – I’ve given it all to God.
Still, the heart is a messy place.
Night.
Brotherbear
